2007年2月23日

討厭自己

出門想要去買杯好喝但是挺貴的五十嵐奶茶,卻遇到了討厭的事情。社區的道路兩旁停滿了過年返鄉的車輛,當然也有人準備在開工前離開,所以大年初六開始,車輛慢慢從社區撤開,留下些許空位。

There is something I don't want to see on my way to bought an yummy but expensive milk tea. It's on the Chinese New Year, many cars parked on the two sides of roads in the community. More near the working days, the cars will leave from here, and left some empty spaces.


我目光所及,看見的是在左前方車位附近玩耍的兩隻貓咪,這種情景只有半夜少人的時候才會看到。接著是討厭的事情,一台休旅車在社區中毫不減速地往前開,眼尖的貓咪趕快閃開,但另外一隻就沒這麼好運。車子從它的正上方開過,那隻貓咪靜靜地倒在地上。這時的我愣住了,不知牠的狀況如何,也不知自己有沒有勇氣去看眼前的畫面。
What I saw is two little cats playing on the empty parking space, you only can saw this view in night. That's the thing happen, someone drive the RV car so fast than the limit of 5km/hr. The smart one jump from the road immediately, but the other one is not so lucky. After the car left, the cat didn't move. I was too scare to do some rescue, because I don't know did it alive? Even I can know, I didn't have courage to face that tragedy.


是奇蹟嗎?那隻貓的腳向天空蹬呀蹬,還活著嗎?希望來去都很突然,那是貓咪在人世間最後的動作。姊希望能夠繞道走,以免看到討人厭的畫面。我心裡則是在想,這附近是否還有動物醫院是開著。我沒有動作,似乎也沒有行人留下來,倒是附近的貓咪圍在逝去生命的同伴生邊,作為僅有的致哀。

Maybe there is an angel pass here, the cat is moving? Did it alive? The angel take its life and my hope to the heaven. My sister want to leave here as soon as possible, she doesn't want to see the view just like me. The second minute, I start to think where is the animal hospital is still opening during the Chinese New Year. At last, I didn't do anything, but more cats gather around and grieved for the partner.


接下來的買飲料過程,我一言不發。我一直在想如果自己勇敢一點,或許可以當機立斷抱起貓咪往醫院衝。但我發現我連這點事情都作不到,因為我考慮了周遭人的看法,也懷疑自己的能力。當我在為那隻貓咪祈禱時,我發現事情發生的當下不會有人做事,只會在事後責罵加害者與抱怨,因為這樣比較輕鬆點。

Next ten minute, I keep silent. I thought all of this again and again. I ask myself, what if I took the cat to the hospital right on the RV bump into the cat? What if I don't care anyone's opinion and just to the right thing? What if I don't doubt my ability? I know something, it always to be easy to blame the troublemaker and complain with another. Just like what I am doing now.

回到社區,警衛將一個塑膠袋扔在垃圾桶邊。半透明的袋子,裡頭黑色的物體隱約可見。動物死後的裹屍袋也只不過是個不值一塊錢的東西,而最後的葬禮去世在垃圾場中舉行。不斷地反問自己,如果連一隻動物都不能救,又怎麼奢求自己出事時有人會伸出援手。如果我得到比動物好的待遇,請問我有比他們高貴嗎?

When I come back, I see the guardsman take an package of something and left it as a garbage. Through the translucent package, I can see there is a something with black, just like the dead cat. That's so sarcastic, the final end of a life, is just a plastic shroud and take place of funeral in a waste yard. "If I can't give a hand to a cat, save a human still more. When I am in the emergency condition, should my life worth the help from others. I don't think my soul is grander than an animal.


如果那隻貓相信神的存在,希望我的祈禱有幫助,也請原諒我的自私。

I hope my pray can help the cat get rescue from God, if it believe the God exist. At last, forgiving my selfish and fear.

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